Monthly Archives: January 2013

Assembly instructions for year 2012 of Tribal Dance



This pack contains:

12 ladies of assorted ages and sizes
300 yards of lightweight cotton material in bright colours
Five dozen tassels
24 false eyelashes
16 scimitars
A zillion cowrie shells
More than a few sequins
A tangle of scarves
Assorted old tat
12 music collections (good quality is not guaranteed)


1.     Take one of your ladies and set her aside (for the remainder of these instructions she will be referred to as “She Who Must Be Obeyed/SWMBO”).
2.     Arrange the rest of your ladies (for the remainder of these instructions they will be referred to as “Those Whom She Loves/TWSL”) around your floor in groups of two/three and four.
3.    Your SWMBO will be supplied already programmed to shout “ELBOWS!” at TWSL until TWSL are fully compliant.
4.     Clothe your SWMBO and TWSL (collectively “Twisted Tails/TT”) in layers of the lightweight cotton, tassels, cowrie shells, eyelashes etc .etc.  Feel free to fling on any other old tat as you see fit.
5.    Re-attach any stray eyelashes.
6.    Repeat No 5.
7.    Carefully place the scimitars on the TT heads.  This can be tricky as TT’s are scavengers and while you are not looking they will cover their heads in what may look like the debris from the Rio Carnival.
8.    Scimitars will fall off.  Your TT’s can retrieve and replace them themselves, be aware that this will involve an element of bad language.  
9.    You will notice that you have 4 scimitars leftover.  Don’t worry, there is always something leftover.  Other users have found that attaching spare scimitars to “Dreadlock TT” does not seem to impair her function.
10.    Ensure your TT’s spend hours scouring their 12 music collections for their favourite tracks.
11.     Instruct your TT’s to commence dancing to SWMBO’s favourite track.
12.    Your pack will contain a couple of small squabbles.  These should be used sparingly.  They serve no purpose, won’t last for long and should be discarded as soon as possible.
13.     Your TT’s are now ready to be delivered to your chosen venue.   Be careful when packing them in to their transportation as bits tend to fall off.
14.    Ensure that the climate in your chosen venue is either tropical or arctic.  TT’s are not used to the temperature being “just right” and they will become confused.
15.    Check that your TT’s have been switched to “Performance Mode” and place them on the dance floor.  Any quality of flooring will do as TT’s feet have been specially formed to endure all manner of ghastly surfaces.
16.     Your TT’s will automatically smile when they commence their performance.  Don’t be alarmed, these smiles are in fact completely real.  
17.    Luxury Tribal Pack’s will also contain a fully assembled photographer who has been trained to ignore all “girl talk”.  You should ignore his bored look (this bored look is completely real) and invite him to every TT performance.  Afterwards he will reward you with a stunning record of the amazing fun you have had.
18.    For an additional charge we can supply a photographer’s assistant (“PA”).  The PA in this pack is our compact version and is particularly adept with a video recorder.
19.    And finally, we have included a bag of laughter.   You could sprinkle this liberally over your completed TT’s , but you will be wasting your time.  Your TT’s will already be laughing.